sometimes i look at my canvas and ask myself what kind of sopoUr was i even on. this… wasn’t sUpposed to tUrn oUt… like. this at all. Umm.
THAT DIDN’T FuCKING WORK.
» END OF ACT 3
ONCE uPON A TIME THERE WAS A BIG DuMB BITCH.
THIS DuMB BITCH WAS PARTICuLARLY DuMB. BECAuSE SHE THOuGHT SHE WAS SPECIAL.
OH. SHE HAD A SuCKuP. FAKEY FAKE SPRITE TO TELL HER LIES. AND DECIEVE HER ABOuT HER INHERENT SPECIALNESS.
THAT IS TO SAY. SHE TOLD THE DuMB BITCH SHE WAS SPECIAL IN THE FIRST PLACE.
AND SO THE DuMB BITCH WENT AROuND HER LAND. CONFRONTING FROGS. AND TRYING TO HELP THEM. INSTEAD OF CONQuER THEM. LIKE A GOOD CHERuB OuGHT TO.
HOW ARROGANT OF HER!
HOW DuMB OF HER!
SuRELY SHE DESERVED TO BE PuNISHED.
AND SO THE LORD SAID.
LET THERE BE DEATH.
AAH HAA HAA.
SO THE LORD ASKED HIS BEST TOOL. AND MOST TRuSTED ARCHAGENT. TO GO DOWN AND SMITE THE BITCH. FOR BEING SO DuMB AND uNTRuSTWORTHY.
AND FOR KEEPING HER BROTHER IN THE DARK. ABOuT BEING IN A DOOMED FuCKING TIMELINE. AND NOT TELLING HIM. AND THINKING SHE COuLD PuLL ONE OVER ON HIM.
THE SHIT SuCKING BITCH.
THE LORD COMMANDED IT. AND SO THE AGENT COMPLIED.
AND SO THE AGENT FLEW DOWN. AND ATTACKED THE DuMB BITCH. AND HER LYING. FALSE SPIDER SPRITE. WHO ISN’T EVEN ACTuALLY A SPIDER TROLL. SO WHO FuCKING CARES. AM I RIGHT?
AND THEN HE TOTALLY FuCKING KILLED THEM. STRAIGHT uP MuRDERSTABBED THEM.
AND EVEN THOuGH SHE HAD LOTS OF FRIENDS. WHO NEVER SPOKE TO HER ANYMORE BECAuSE SHE WENT AND DOOMED THE TIMELINE AND DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. SHE DIED ALONE AND FRIENDLESS. AND CRIED A LOT WHEN SHE DIED.
AAH HAA HAA.
THERE IS NO ACT FOuR.
THE MuSE IS DEAD.
THE LORD HAS ASCENDED.
THIS BLOG IS FuCKING OVER.
AAH HAA HAA!
AAH HAA HAA!
AAH HAA HAA!
No. No Absolutely not. You, which is to say Jack Noir, have had entirely enough of pool balls and puppets and FuCKING LYING LIME BITCHES WHOSE NAME SHOuLD NOT BE IN ASKS.
Wait, what? No, not that last part. You are on the whole lukewarm on lime bitches.
Fuck if you know. One minute you’re minding your own business, thinking generally hateful thoughts and considering stabbing someone, when all of the sudden you get a god damned AMZING PuPPET AND BRO and a note with the black queen’s ring finger on it.
This is equal parts distressing and fucking stupid for many reasons, primarily being that it’s a fucking awful idea to commit regicide without a backup plan for government. The common folk tend not to like it, especially considering how nice the former regime was getting now that Skaia’s accursed light was snuffed out.
That said, Derse is now a riotous mess of rebellion and angry carapacians. You have the Hegemonic Brute on crowd control, though, and you have every confidence that his busy fists will keep catastrophe from happening AND IF IT DOESN’T YOu’LL KILL A BuNCH OF FuCKERS YOuRSELF.
Jack: Succumb to unfathomable bloodlust.
Yeah, no. Ever since you stabbed out your eye and shoved in the sole eye of the puppet— an action that made much more sense at the time— your brain has been assaulted with pleasing but practically bad ideas like submitting, killing everyone and DESTROYING CALLIOPE ONCE AND FOR ALL. You don’t even know what a Calliope is.
It’s been an all day struggle to keep your cool and keep yourself from flipping the fuck out. You are this close to blowing it all up you swear.
God. you can’t imagine what would happen if you had two cursed eyeballs instead of just the one. The thought alone makes you consider putting on the queen’s Ring of Dead Souls right now.
Jack: Contact the Dignitary.
You call up the Draconian Dignitary and start asking about the state of affairs. You say he better have some good fucking news because you are this close to flipping your shit and EATING SOME MEAT AND CANDY IN THIS BITCH. He says what. You say ignore that and give you the god damn news.
He tells you the Brute is on crowd control still and he’s currently interrogating the Lord. You tell him to get on the god damn ball because now’s not the time for religion. He says he means the Lord as in the green little shit. You tell him not to call him a shit because HE’S THE FuCKING BEST EVER YOu SHITSTAIN. He doesn’t say anything to that.
You tell him to just get over here.
DD: Get over there.
In a minute.
You shut off your radio and turn towards your snot-colored prisoner. You lay down the laws for him business-like and to the point. You tell him you don’t know how he did it or why, but you know he killed the Black Queen, and while normally you wouldn’t give a shit, you really don’t like dealing with riots. Messy stuff, you say.
The Lord flips you off. He says something weird. tumxt? What does that even mean? Why did he say that out loud?
Anyway, you let him know that if he complies, he’ll cut his jail time, but if he continues to be an obstinate shit, you’ll make sure he never sees the black of night again.
He continues flipping you off, bringing up the other arm, too.
You stare at him for a moment and let him know that you’re willing to have him beat into a confession. Scapegoats are perfectly acceptable in the Dersite legal system.
He says fuck you and your shitty sense of fashion.
You call up the Hegemonic Brute. You want this to hurt.
HB: Beat the prisoner within an inch of his life.
You cannot! Even if you weren’t already on imporant duties, you have been slain by an unruly mob. The masses are baying for blood, and your giant body houses a lot of it. Looks like the Dignitary is on his own!
A Wrothful Vavasor takes your head in the chaos. He will use it as a symbol of rebellion. In times to come, the rioting crowds will adopt the symbol as their own, and your severed cranium will become synonymous with the single most important event in Dersite History.
Oh Hearts Boxcars. You truly were the most important character.
HB: Go back to being Jack.
You are now the Courtyard Droll!
Boy, Jack sure is mad! He’s yelling at you about why are you here and where is the dignitary and to GET THAT FuCKING ARM OFF YOuR HEAD YOu DISRESPECTFuL SHIT.
You say you don’t really know what he’s talking about, but the dignitary is still at the prison interrogating the nice cherub. He says the what. You say you mean the nice mister Umbrage. He has nothing to say about that but his face scrunches up something fierce. Either that means he’s happy or he’s about to kill you. You decide its the first one.
He growls at you and tells you that you better have a good fucking reason to be here and says something about being this close to something or other. You kind of stopped listening because you brought him a gift! The dignitary told you to go to Jack and calm him down before he ruined everything, but when you tell him that you make sure to leave the last part out.
Jack: Recieve calming, soothing gift from the Dignitary.
God damn it,
You are pretty sure this day can’t get any worse.
DD: Beat the prisoner into a confession yourself.
It doesn’t end well for you.
2/4 BLACK TORSOS BEHEADED.
no worries, love.
she’s done jUst that.
yoU are mistaken!!!!!!!!
She’s not exactly the 8est at landing.